I thought I had encountered all the COVID inspired nonsense there was. Certainly, I had encountered all the COVID nonsense I could tolerate. But no, there was more. With my impending retirement, eight kids having flown the nest and my wife and I having difficulty some days finding each other our oversized city centre town house, we decided it was time to move to the country and seek accommodation of more modest proportions. Within less than a day I was prepared to stay put.
If you recall the days when you could spot a nice house for sale, make an appointment and have a nosey, then think again. Now a phone conversation with an estate agent is like passing an exam. And even if you pass with flying colours, it is not over. Once you have graduated from the University of Utter Nonsense you are issued with a list of instructions. The will to live and house viewing are no longer compatible and the whole process drains you of enthusiasm.
So, what is this all about? Well, here goes. The conversation runs along the following lines:
Potential buyer (my wife): “Hi, I have just seen the house on Chestnut Avenue that you are advertising, and we would like to view it.”
Estate agent: “Have you got a house to sell?”
Potential buyer (my wife): {thinks: is that any of your business?} “No but we are thinking of selling soon.”
Estate agent: “You are not permitted to view a house unless you are selling yours”…click!
Not to be outdone, we put our house on the market and it went like this:
Potential buyer (my wife): “Hi, I have just seen the house on Chestnut Avenue that you are advertising, and we would like to view it. We are selling our house and it is on the market with Bloggs and Ripoff Estate Agents.”
Estate Agent: “To view a house you must have had an offer on your house and accepted it.”
Potential buyer (my wife): {thinks: do you want to sell the bloody house or not?} “No, not had an offer yet.”
Estate agent:…click!
Then we got an offer, and we were ready for them, which went like this:
Potential buyer (my wife): “Hi, I have just seen the house on Chestnut Avenue that you are advertising, and we would like to view it. We are selling our house and it is on the market with Blogs and Ripoff Estate Agents and we have an offer which we have accepted.”
Estate agent: “Excellent, let me just arrange a viewing, I will phone you back in a few minutes.”
…excitement mounts…phone rings:
Estate agent: “We have been in contact with the seller, and they want you to do a virtual viewing first so let me know when you will be free for that.”
Potential buyer (my wife): {thinks: do they want to sell the bloody house or not?} “OK what does that involve?”
Estate agent: “I send you a link to a 3-D walk-through of the property and I talk you through it.”
Potential buyer (my wife): {thinks: do they still want to sell the bloody house or not?} “But we have seen all the photographs online.”
Estate agent: “Sorry but we must insist.”
So, we go along with this utter tomfoolery and decide that we want a real live viewing of the property.
Estate agent: “Excellent, but I must inform you that the owner insists that you wear a face mask and gloves.”
Potential buyer (my wife): {thinks: FFS! do they want to sell the bloody house or not?} “The owner insists, or you insist?”
Estate agent: “Well, we are in the middle of a pandemic you know.”
Potential buyer (my wife): {thinks: then stick your house where the sun don’t shine} “OK then.”
If only it ended there. We have had young couples viewing our house and I insist that they do not have to wear face masks in the house. I tell them I have declared it a ‘COVID free zone’. This elicits a nervous laugh and a knowing glance between the couple which says: “darling, we have a nutter on our hands here!”. I must have at least 30 years seniority on these people, they are not in the ‘at risk’ age group. So, they mask up and proceed to mumble around the house and even outside in the garden.
And there you have it. Everyone is having fun, making up arbitrary rules, bossing others around or being bossed around by others and, if I am not mistaken, enjoying it. To recycle a much-misused expression: “this is how Hitler started.”
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