Your Covid Christmas questions answered
There must be a great deal of confusion and anxiety around as here in the United Kingdom we are once again in the grip of another deadly wave of the killer coronavirus. Omicron seems to be sweeping the country and mowing people down like flies. According to Tony Blair—who always tells the truth—it is all the fault of the unvaccinated who he quite correctly described as ‘idiots’. An avatar of Professor Chris Whitty (editorial note: it is not an avatar that is what he really looks like) appears seemingly at random on our TV screens nightly to tell us how we will be all be lucky to see Christmas. If we do make it to Christmas, then we must not celebrate it with anyone lest we kill granny. That is what Matt Hancock told us last Christmas. By the way, where is he now? He was a superb Secretary of State for Health. ‘Very good with his hands’ said one person to whom he gave regular physical check-ups.
But worry not, I am regularly asked to advise people on how they should respond to the current deadly threat. Here are my top ten questions and my considered and evidence-based responses:
- Q: What is Covid?
A: It’s a ‘virus’. This is a something new to science that humanity has never previously encountered. There are rumours that viruses may have existed for millennia but that is very unlikely. If we had previous experience with viruses, we would know what to do about them. People who say that this thing that we now know to be a ‘virus’ is just like a cold or a ‘flu are totally wrong. They know nothing and should be ignored completely.
- Q: Are masks effective against Covid?
A: Masks are absolutely 100% effective. You should wear one at all times and if you can wear two or even three then that is even better. Do not worry if you hear that the government is lifting mask mandates, remember you can opt in and continue to wear one for the rest of your life. You may also like to sign a petition urging the UK government to introduce compulsory mask wearing indoors, out of doors, on public transport, at social events. You are limited only by your imagination. After all, it is only a minor inconvenience. Those who refuse to wear masks are merely signalling their superiority and solidarity with Satan.
- Q: I am told that the Covid vaccines are 100% effective, is that true?
A: Yes, completely true. Two doses of the vaccine and you are protected for life. But, just in case get another, and another, and another, and…
- Q: Should I trust all the information that the government gives us?
A: Yes, unquestioningly.
- Q: If I am unwell, should I use the NHS?
A: Are you insane? The NHS is overwhelmed and has been since March 2020. No, instead you must remember that our mission is to protect the NHS it is not there for us it is there for…I’ll have to get back to you on this one.
- Q: After months of isolation and loneliness I am suffering from mental health problems. What can I do?
A: Nothing. We are in the midst of fighting a nasty virus and your mental health problems pale into insignificance. My advice is to suck it up, pull yourself together and think of other people. And if you are considering using the NHS, see my response to Q5 above.
- Q: My children’s education has suffered over the pandemic. We tried to teach them at home, but they seem to have fallen behind.
A: Without a doubt your children a stupid, thick as planks and are probably only suited for menial jobs. Don’t give them the false hope that a good education instils. Also, remember, it is our job to protect the teachers from catching Covid. Bless them, they’ve worked so hard during the pandemic.
- Q: Should I visit granny?
A: Only if you don’t like her.
- Q: I have been invited to a Unity News Network Christmas party, should I go?
A: NO!! I went undercover to one of these events and this was what I concluded. These are super-spreader events being held under the spurious guise of ‘freedom’ events with the aim of infecting as many people as possible. They are being organised by a sinister character called David Clews who is a member of the Illuminati.
- Q: Will I die?
A: In due course, yes.
I often also get asked by people if they should test themselves regularly to which I reply: ‘You mean you are not?’ I just cannot fathom the risks some people are taking with their lives and the lives of others. I cannot seem to get across that all the tests are 100% accurate.
So, I hope my responses and advice above have helped to put a few people’s minds at rest. If we live until Christmas – have a Merry Christmas. It is very unlikely that any of us will see 2022.
Opinions from the Unity News Network (UNN) editorial team & various contributors. | UNN always clearly distinguishes between news and opinion pieces and as an open minded outlet we publish views from a variety of people and organisation that do not necessarily reflect the views of UNN or its writers. Articles published under UNN Opinions are always opinion pieces and if published on behalf of a contributor will contain that authors name at the start of the piece.
