Confused by the collection of traffic light-based travel regulations that we must negotiate to travel out of and back into the UK? Bamboozled by the bumblers in the UK government who seem to change these regulations on almost a daily basis? If you have not learned by now that your government is ‘taking the mickey’ out of you on an industrial scale over all things COVID, then allow me to explain. First thing you learn is that online guidance is next to useless. Try it. Google the country to which you wish to travel and check what the UK.GOV guidance is. Then go to the link to the guidance published by the relevant country which you are also advised to check. This nearly always completely contradicts the UK government guidance. The UK.GOV guidance can seem gung-ho about the possibility of going to some countries, for example, the USA. But then click on the relevant US.GOV guidance and it makes it plain that we are about as welcome in their country as a health and safety inspector at Alton Towers. And the USA is not the only country like this. So, as a service to my compatriots I have decided it is time for the definitive COVID travel guide to be published, and here it is. Let me explain. It is all quite simple.
Red list countries: Ordinarily I would advise you not to even think about it. But I have found a loophole. Unfortunately, the loophole involves becoming a government minister or a functionary of an important sounding international organisation such as the G7 or the UN Climate Change Conference. This allows you to travel freely to any country, consort at will and without restriction while you are there and avoid any inconvenient measures such as quarantining at either end of your journey. It is almost as if diplomatic immunity extends to the actual immune system. If this is an important scientific breakthrough, then ought we not to have been told?
Amber-red list countries: In case you wonder, yes this is a real category and not to be confused with Amber Rudd list countries; those are ones for people who thought they were UK citizens and then found out that they were not, and deported. This one is a kind of two-way street between and red and amber which is predicated on your understanding of these two categories. I have clarified the red list above and will do the same for the amber list below. But some countries on the amber-red list are heading from red to amber and others are heading from amber to red. So, to simplify things even further I have decided to create two sub-categories:
- Amber-red list countries that are red-amber: these are red countries that are being considered for addition to the amber list.
- Amber-red list countries that are amber-red: these are amber countries that are being considered for addition to the red list.
Next, the challenge for the aspiring traveller is to work out in which direction your amber-red listed country is headed and sub-classify accordingly. My enquiries to the UK Border Force on the matter were met with the following response: “Good luck with that mate!”
Amber list countries: the amber list was created by the UK government entirely for their own amusement. This government likes nothing better than to raise false hopes leading people to spend vast amounts of hard-earned money on flights, hotels and COVID tests only to see their amber listed country move up the scale to being red listed, preferably while they are sitting at Gatwick airport. Another amusing twist to the amber list is that you can get to your country of destination only then to have it moved up to the red list. This leaves you stranded in a foreign country from which, if you do return, you have to spend ten days at Her Majesty’s pleasure, but at your own expense, in a rat-infested hotel eating the same terrible food as you were eating on the plane in which you arrived. My personal advice regarding amber list countries is, if you have considered booking a flight to one, make an immediate appointment to see a psychiatrist and have your head examined. For your benefit, I phoned the NHS helpline to enquire about how easy it would be to make an appointment to see a psychiatrist and was met with the following response: “Join the queue!”
Green-amber list countries: As above, in case you wonder, yes this is also a real category. This one is a kind of two-way street between and amber and green which is predicated on your understanding of these two categories. I have clarified the red and amber lists above and will do the same for the green list below. But some countries on the green-amber list are heading from amber to green and others are heading from green to amber. So, to simplify things even further I have decided to create two sub-categories:
- Green-amber list countries that are amber-green: these are amber countries that are being considered for addition to the green list.
- Green-amber list countries that are green-amber: these are green countries that are being considered for addition to the amber list.
Next, the challenge for the aspiring traveller is to work out in which direction your green-amber listed country is headed and sub-classify accordingly. My enquiries to the UK Border Force on the matter were met with the following response: “We’re working on it!”
Green list countries: now, you might get the impression—mainly due to the misleading word ‘green’ which usually means ‘go’—that you were ‘whistling dixie’ with the green listed countries. But no. Provided they even want us in the first place, each country has its own mesmerising set of rules and regulations to be followed on the way in. Forgive me the indulgence of quoting directly from the relevant GOV.UK page, but here is the list of possibilities if you are considering visiting Slovenia (which, incidentally, I am):
- A PCR test not older than 72 hours.
- A Rapid Antigen Test not older than 48 hours.
- A positive PCR test that is older than 10 days but not older than 6 months, confirming the traveller has had Covid-19 and not more than 6 months have passed since the first symptoms.
- Proof of vaccination against Covid-19 as follows:
-A 2nd dose of Pfizer/BioNtech plus at least 7 days
-A 2nd dose of Moderna plus at least 14 days
-A first dose of AstraZeneca plus at least 21 days
-A dose of Janssen by Johnson & Johnson / Jansse-Cilag plus at least 14 days
-A 1st dose of Covishield by the Serum Institute of India / AstraZeneca plus at least 21 days
-A 2nd dose of Sputnik V plus at least 14 days
-A 2nd dose of Coronavac from Sinovac Biotech plus at least 14 days
- A certificate of illness and proof that within a maximum period of 8 months from the positive result of a PCR test or onset of symptoms the traveller has been vaccinated with at least one dose of the vaccines outlined above.
- A European digital certificate in digital or paper form, accompanied by a QR code, containing details of a negative PCR, Rapid Antigen Test or vaccination certificate, certificate of morbidity or recovery.
- A digital certificate of a third country in digital or paper form, including a QR code and bearing the same information as the EU digital certificate outlined above and issued in English.
About as clear as the mist on Ben Macdui. My advice, essentially, for anyone considering a holiday in a green listed country is, by all means, give it a go. Normally I would also advise calling The Samaritans. But, apparently, they have enough problems right now.
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